Where I am Now
Sorry to harp on about having legionnaires but for me this is how I deal. I am still going through shock as to what happened and the greater shock that I was bad enough for the doctors to want to turn off life support – that to me has been the hardest to deal with. I feel angry not only with myself for not wearing a mask, but because I felt the doctors were giving up too soon before they even knew what was really wrong. My belief is, it was Christmas and they just wanted to be home, not dealing with the unknown. And as it was Christmas, they didn’t want to perform surgery unless they had too, keeping me in a coma for two and a half weeks and drenching me with a cocktail of drugs that harmed my kidneys and liver. But when they finally did the tracheostomy I recovered fast.
So yes a lot of anger and confusion to deal with. Last year I was doing well with my little business, it was getting to the point of being in the black and about to start taking a wage. I had had a busy year attending lots of home shows and markets, involving lots of travel. I was exhausted but achieving results. By not thinking of the consequences the lack of a mask would cause, I almost wiped out not only my life but my business as well. Friends were and are great, they did their best to get orders out as they came in, and managed to keep things going in a small but vital way.
Next week the 23 June 2017 will be my first Home show since. I still get very tired but am hopeful I will cope. Changes to me since waking up: angry, deeper bouts of depression, guilt, panic attacks, lacking patience, frustration, mouth filter has gone totally astray, constantly putting my foot in it where as it was previously not so bad ;) Still very traumatised. Sleeping is hit or miss. Huge weight gain – some due to being put back onto hormone pills, the rest due to having to rest a lot. Memory gaps, losing train of thought. Shingles, and other body complaints that were not there before.
It is also very lonely as unless you had been through what I had, its very hard to explain how things are and why I have yet to embrace my second chance at life. I AM grateful to still be here for my little girl and my friends and family but when I see the damage my illness caused to others, it is hard to be glad. My mum had a bell palsy stroke, the extra stress I put my cousins through (I was staying at theirs when it was realised I was rather unwell) put a strain on the husband causing a heart attack and leaving my cousin a widow. I admit that he had an unknown heart condition, and he could of gone anytime but it just happened to be while I was in hospital. My daughter gets angry with me more and she yells I nearly lost my mum at me a lot. The little bit of research that I managed to find tells me I have at least another 6 months of feeling lethargic and fatigued. To try and combat this I have joined The fat bottom Girls walking group and walk at least 10 km a week. My eating habits have had to be reigned in and rethought so am removing most of the dairy (hard when I like milky tea) and eating more good fats like coconut and avocado. Already some weight loss Yay!.
To help keep me sane I go to a weekly mosaic class, love it. Joined a quiz team to try and get brain cells working, and a fortnightly card night as who doesn’t like to try and win at something. (for some reason I suffer Tourette's when I am playing cards ‘insert I am not an angel emote”) To help with some of the mental issues I have started counselling so hopefully I will be able to deal better. Well that’s me for now, thank you for taking the time to read my story and do please leave a comment. It helps to know people did take the time. x
Posted: Saturday 17 June 2017